Since 2007, I've been using facebook. I've felt for a long time that it is necessary to use this platform to share my daily activities (no matter how inane or mundane) with those people I have been fortunate enough to become friends with. The physical locations and dispersion of these people is truly global.
However, in light of my recent times and trials - I've come to realise that whilst I live in a city full of friends, I only nowadays see a very small handful of these good and old friends. People that have been so close to me for years have seemingly vanished into the ether of life, swallowed up by their own responsibilities and commitments. So overwhelmed by their situations that answering text messages and phone calls obviously seems to be too much for them. Unfortunately I have to be quite honest here: I've never been more lonely.
Thus it occurred to me that perhaps I am giving too much of myself away in the facebook realm, updating my statuses and posting pictures at high frequency on a daily basis. What has been a comfort for me to feel like I am amongst friends - has back-fired. Whilst I am not sure exactly why my old friends are not getting in touch any more (I have fretted about all kinds of things in my pondering - from "maybe I'm no fun any more" right down to "if I vanished right now - who would really care"), it has occurred to me that something is quite wrong.
Last night, I announced to my facebook friends that I am going on a facebook free holiday for an undetermined period of time. Naturally, there are those good folk who live so far away that they are really sad to know that I won't be adding my contributions to their days for a while. I have suggested that they follow my tweets, read this blog or send me an email so we can continue to keep in touch via a digital means.
I realise that my communication is a two way street, and that facebook has made me lazy on my own level, relying on "likes" and short comments on friend's status posts as a substitute for getting in touch personally to chew the fat. I also feel as though this may have happened to my local buddies as well - sucked into a belief that an internet based, social networking platform can replace quality together time.
The people that I need to feel complete have strangely left the building. It is easy for me to think that they just don't care - but I know that things are not often this simple. It could be laziness, or a simple misunderstanding of my identity. Realistically it is probably due to complete immersion in their own lives and forgetting about those around who may need them.
In know that at times I can become very personal in these blog updates, and I am truly sorry if anyone out there is annoyed / bored by this. I am trying to undergo a great deal of transformation at the moment, as the time has come to build a better, stronger me. However, as much as I try - I am not a sturdy brick wall and do very much need the support of people I hold close. Without these people, my change could be all for nothing. And no matter how hard I try to believe it, facebook is no alternative to the direct love and communication that can only be found in the hearts and faces of my friends.
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3 Comments:
I totally understand these sentiments ie Sleep Window shut down. I feel like as a single person I need more from my friends than I did when I was in a relationship. New friends are the way forward, old friends will always show up when it counts the most. LOVE
The vulnerabilities of a single lifestyle are vast. Lonely mornings, quiet dinners, heading out for drinks by myself in the hope I'll meet the right people to help me out of the darkness. By large, I have many excellent systems in place in order to avoid meltdown - but times can get really tough. But you're right - new friends are the future, and indeed - most old friends always know when to call. I am lucky for I know there is much love for me out there, but every now and then - it's just great to see it in another's eyes and also see the words roll off their tongues. Much love to you SkyeB. You are amongst my heroes, always (and always).
I know it doesn't help too much old chap, but Henry Miller once said "An artist is always alone - if he is an artist. No, what the artist needs is loneliness."
These are the times, as hard as they can be to immerse oneself in that creative treasure chest of the soul. And when you've rummaged enough, someone will come along to admire your treasures.
I've been going through some pretty lonely times too - however bit by bit I am finding that self who once craved the solitary moments but never got it - is the grass greener? Heck, I'll paint it green if needs be :)
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