The Communication Game

After being in two consecutive relationships for over ten years, I'm still adapting to the ways of a single man. I've stopped shaving, rarely make my bed, eat very minimally, haven't had a haircut since late last October and I haven't purchased any new clothes in months (with the exception of work shirts). Needless to say, my computer use has increased, especially the hours long gaming sessions!

Whilst more than anything I love the company of females, these days I seem to be hanging out with the gents. It seems that some of my lady friends are keeping their distance from me ever since I  relocated into the mean streets of the lonely hearts club. I don't blame them, as in all honesty I've had some periods of great confusion and at times such a overwhelming longing for companionship that it has been the stumbling point of a few brilliant friendships. Oops, I've been quite a handful!

The gents are cool, I love my mates dearly but conversationally, it is rare for me to be taken to the intellectual and emotive level of communication that I so much enjoy. Maybe it's a part of my upbringing, but I have always felt emotionally / conversationally closer to  females than my male counterparts. Of course, there are many amazing men within my circle who are an exception to this rule - I'd hate for my written generalisations to offend those who are close!

Over the past couple of weeks, I have found peace within myself - and acceptance of my solidarity. I'm no longer waking up in my cold bed feeling unwanted, which is a great relief as such a thought processes first thing in the morning can make the days much harder than they need to be. I'm no longer heading out to social engagements with eyes wide opened, scouring the room for a beautiful face to talk to. In all honesty, in the name of inner peace: I've given up the search. I go out, laugh with friends and meet new people. Then I go home for a long snooze. Nice and simple.

I still miss hugs and intimacy incredibly, yet there's nothing that can be done about that whilst I am on this quest to restore order.

I've had some encounters lately where ladies have approached me, but I've been too shy to generate stimulating discussion. The other night whilst at the theatre, I was approached by an attractive dark eyed, dark haired lady who seemed hell bent on talking to me and finding out what my plans were for the evening. I tried to ramp up my responses to maintain an interesting discussion but my nerves got the better of me and I succumbed to making curious noises and then eventually told her that I had to go back to my friends. Of course, I was really interested in trying to communicate - but I didn't know what to say or where to begin! I became inwardly over-concerned at my failure to remain calm and clear-headed and thus, I chose to escape. Words very rarely fail me, however in this particular situation I was astounded by my inability to roll easily. Of course, after returning to my buddies in the lobby of the theatre to regather myself, I quickly realised my error of judgement and walked back outside to find this rather enthusiastic and talkative woman and try again to be more normal - but she was long gone into the shadows of Montague Road.

I would love to know why I falter so greatly when a member of the opposite sex makes motions to express her interests. Most guys seem to revel when they are approached, but I always seem to not know what to do or how to respond and then crumble into a heap of gnarled gibberish.

This is a remarkable and complex world in which we live, and inter-personal communication is an art form that whilst I realise that I can talk myself blue at the best of times, my insecurities definitely get in the way of meaningful and stimulating conversation in situations that  revolve around attraction. Maybe it's a self confidence issue? I'm not sure but it is certainly something else for me to work on! The lessons of self improvements never end, which is probably a good thing as life would get pretty boring if there wasn't self education coupled with the outcome of eventual enlightenment!